Monday, May 21, 2012

Short Story Page One

The girl rose early and slowly, shoulders slumping forward as she rubbed the sleep from her damp eyes. She shed the comforter from her aching form, her bare feet padding against the cool linoleum of the floor as she grabbed her room key before closing the door quietly behind her.
The dorm was uncharacteristically quiet, its morning face expressionless and cool and only just starting to host a light that swelled dishearteningly gray and repentant. The girl flicked the flickering bathroom light on and dampened cold hands under the faucet, splashing water on her face. Her movements were languid and almost dreamlike, wracked with a somewhat jerky quality, and a resistance was omnipresent. Forcefully refusing to meet her gaze, she positioned herself away and returned to her room. Her search was not the slightest bit harried, and she retrieved thickly bound score after score before placing the mass gingerly on her bed. The CD's were already in a neat stack next to her laptop.
She paused by the window, tracing vague patterns across the cold glass before hastily wiping away the obstructing condensation that blanketed the window between battered frames. The outerworld space was flooded with snow extending for as far as she could see. She moved grudgingly as she hid from the tumultuous world, slipping into an aged coat of warmth and shielding her eyes of her indulgences. She chose the first disc she saw, perched rigidly atop the pile. She recognized the familiar boxy writing and lifted it with stiff, shaking fingers. She slid the disc into the computer, giving in to her barriers. The beginning overcame her at once, and she let the ghosts curl through.

2 comments:

  1. It sounds really amazing! There are some parts that seem a bit too wordy. There is excess description that is easy to skim over, and makes somber feeling of the story hard to take seriously. For example, "her bare feet padding against the cool linoleum . . ." Is "cool linoleum" necessary? Does it add something to the plot? If not, then it may be best to take it out.

    Also, "The girl flicked the flickering bathroom light on . . ." You may want to change the wording.

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  2. I like this, it's a good start! :)
    One question: Why is she so tired?
    You probably going to get to explaining that later in the story, so, I guess, don't worry about it.

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